


Invisible scars

by Windfighter



Series: Whumptober 2019 [9]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Blood and Injury, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Steve Rogers, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Self-Harm, Whumptober 2019, we ignore thanos in this AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 23:07:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21044297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Windfighter/pseuds/Windfighter
Summary: In which Steve hurts himself and Bucky is there to put him back together.





	Invisible scars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RanVor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RanVor/gifts).

> For whumptober day 15 - Scars

Steve closed his eyes. Blood dripped from his arms onto the floor. The sound was calming, somehow, and he gripped the knife in his hand tighter. The handle was almost breaking under the force. He opened his eyes again, looked at his arms. Each cut deeper than the previous one and the first ones already healing up. It wasn't fair, none of the wounds would even leave a scar. But maybe that was a good thing. He pressed the sharp edge of the knife against the first wound, reopened it and made it deeper. Blood flowed from it, stained his fingers and fell into the puddle between his feet. Small splashes of blood hit his feet. He should move, clean it up before anyone arrived. They would ask question he didn't have answers to.

He didn't move. He closed his eyes again, lost the grip of the knife and it fell into the puddle. Splashes of blood hit his legs, the bed, covered his feet. He listened to the dripping. The knife was Natasha's, one she had lent to him for his latest solo-mission. He hadn't given it back yet, Natasha was away on her own mission and he hadn't had an opportunity. At this point he wasn't sure he could give it back.

The door to his room opened. He knew he should scramble to hide the evidence of what he had done, but he couldn't. The smell of iron was strong in the room, hung heavily around him. He took a deep breath, waited for the yelling that would start, for the barrage of questions.

”Stevie, we're gonna make food.”

Bucky's voice washed over Steve and he swallowed, clenched his eyes. Bucky was good, he didn't ask much, just kicked his ass until he was back on his game. Tony would have been worse, Sam would have been a disaster. A sob he couldn't hold back escaped him and Bucky froze in the door.

”Stevie? Are you okay?”

”Yeah...” Steve's voice trembled and he knew Bucky would pick up on it. ”Yeah, I'm fine.”

Blood was still dripping from his fingers, but at a slower pace since the wounds were healing up. Bucky came closer, looked at him and disappeared into the bathroom. Steve leaned back, fell onto the mattress and stained the sheets with his blood.

”You're not fine”, Bucky said as he returned.

Steve didn't protest, didn't move as Bucky started cleaning his arms. He just looked at the ceiling, focused on breathing, on the stench of blood that was pressing into his nose.

”Were you trying to test the limits of the serum? Because Bruce could probably help you with that in a more controlled enviroment.”

He winced as Bucky cleaned the deeper wounds. He turned his head, tried to catch Bucky's eyes, but Bucky was working on patching him up.

”They'll heal”, Steve mumbled. ”Don't bother.”

Bucky flipped him off and continued working. Steve watched him as he bandaged Steve's arms.

”Are you angry?”

Bucky's presence made him feel smaller, younger, like when they lived in Brooklyn and Bucky cared for him when he was sick. He didn't want angry Bucky. Angry Bucky was scary. Bucky didn't answer. He grabbed the knife and the bloody towels and disappeared into the bathroom again. Returned with a new towel and started cleaning up the floor.

”You don't have to...”

”Someone has to. You're cleaning the knife yourself though. And you're also the one who have to explain to Natasha why she's never allowed to lend you her knives again.”

That was fair, Steve thought. He didn't sit up, looked at the ceiling again. Bucky laid down next to him when he was done.

”I should kick you ass for this, punk.”

”Also fair.”

”I'm not going to, it won't help.”

”Maybe it would.”

”Yeah, no. So, wanna tell me what happened? Or should I get one of the others?”

”If you ask Tony to come talk to me I will end you.”

”Like you'd be able to.”

Silence. Bucky's foot was nudging Steve's. Steve put an arm over his face.

”I don't know”, he admitted with a sigh. ”It's stupid but I don't know. I just...”

Steve lifted his arms, stared at them. Bucky reached up and grabbed one of his hands, pulled it back down onto the mattress and squeezed it.

”Sometimes I wish I had died in the ice. Sometimes I hate the serum. Sometimes I just wish I would also have scars from the battles we've been through. It's not fair that they have to carry reminders of evey failure but I walk away without the slightest evidence of what had happened. I am not faced with my betrayal every time I look into the mirror.”

Bucky squeezed Steve's hand again.

”So it's about Stark.”

”About everything.”

”Well, either you talk to him or you talk to a therapist. It's up to you.”

Steve shook his head, rolled up against Bucky and put his head on Bucky's shoulder.

”He hates me.”

”He should, but he doesn't.”

The door opened again. Steve recognized Tony's steps as he came up to the bed to look at them.

”Am I interupting a cuddlefest?”

”You could join”, Bucky said and Steve pressed his face into Bucky's shoulder with a groan.

”We ordered pizza since it took you guys so long to come out. Pizza fine?”

”As long as there's no banana on it.”

”I ordered one with extra banana and pineapple just for you, Terminator.”

”You know what'll happen if that's true.”

”I'd like to see you try.”

Tony leaned down, ruffled Steve's hair and moved back to the door.

”Hope you feel better soon, Spangles. Pizza's here in five minutes. Raincheck on the cuddlefest?”

”Raincheck on the cuddlefest”, Bucky confirmed. ”We'll be out in a minute.”

Tony disappeared. Bucky sat up and pulled Steve up as well.

”Scars aren't as cool as people think”, Bucky said. ”Besides, you have scars.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. Bucky gave him a sad smile.

”You might not be able to get physical scars like the rest of us have but... You have scars in here.”

Bucky poked Steve's forehead.

”It's not for himself Stark keeps the compound warm. Hell, he probably thinks he deserves the panic attacks and everything. It's for you. To ease the pain of your scars.”

”How do you know all of this?”

”Unlike you I listen to people, punk. Come on, let's get the pizza before Stark actually _does_ order me one with banana and pineapple.”

Steve nodded, pushed himself off the bed and changed into clean sweatpants and t-shirt. He glanced towards the bed and closed his eyes. He could still remember the sound of blood dripping to the floor. He shook his head and followed Bucky to the kitchen. He'd clean up later, after dinner. Tony smiled towards them and gestured to a large pineapple and banana pizza in the middle of the table. Bucky groaned and facepalmed and Tony laughed as Peter pretty much threw himself over the pizza to protect it from thieving hands. The smell of blood that had still lingered in Steve's mind was washed away as they sat down by the table and the smells of the pizzas replaced it. Sam glanced at the bandages covering Steve's arms, raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything. Steve accepted the pizza Tony held out for him, their fingers touched and Tony grinned before sitting down.

”I believe I'm promised a cuddlefest with two supersoldiers”, Tony said as he started eating his own pizza. ”So we're having a movie night after dinner. I need a break from Legolas' arrows anyway.”

”Can we watch Zootopia, Mr Stark?” Peter asked. ”And Sherlock Holmes?”

”Yeah sure. Did you hear that Fri? Queue them up for us.”

”As you wish, boss.”

Bucky nudged Steve's shoulder and smiled to him. Steve clenched his hands, felt the sting in his wounds before opening them and picking up a slice of his own pizza. So maybe Bucky was right about everything and maybe he should talk to someone. He glanced at Tony. Yeah, he should talk to someone. Later. He took a bite out of the pizza, leaned back and listened as Peter told them everything about the latest mission he and Sam had been away to. Everything would work out.  


**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I have no idea how endings work.
> 
> (Spoiler: He doesn't talk to anyone and next time it happens Bucky actually does kick his ass and then drags him to see Bucky's therapist)


End file.
